From the 1997 Dodo Pad – www.dodopad.com

Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent please ask someone else to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are, what you want and we have just traced this call.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are manic-depressive it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will ever answer anyway.

I first heard this from a friend at a party. Who wrote it, well I haven’t a clue!

My Law – Tieme Ranapiri
THE sun may be clouded, yet ever the sun
Will sweep on its course till the Cycle is run.
And when into chaos the system is hurled
Again shall the Builder reshape a new world.

YOUR path may be clouded, uncertain your goal:
Move on – for your orbit is fixed to your soul.
And though it may lead into darkness of night
The torch of the Builder shall give it new light.

YOU were. You will be! Know this while you are:
Your spirit has travelled both long and afar.
It came from the Source, to the Source it returns –
The Spark which was lighted eternally burns.

IT slept in a jewel. It leapt in a wave.
It roamed in the forest. It rose from the grave.
It took on strange garbs for long eons of years
And now in the soul of yourself It appears.

FROM body to body your spirit speeds on
It seeks a new form when the old one has gone
And the form that it finds is the fabric you wrought
On the loom of the Mind from the fibre of Thought.
As dew is drawn upwards, in rain to descend
Your thoughts drift away and in Destiny blend.
You cannot escape them, for petty or great,
Or evil or noble, they fashion your Fate.

SOMEWHERE on some planet, sometime and somehow
Your life will reflect your thoughts of your Now.
My Law is unerring, no blood can atone –
The structure you built, you will live in – alone.
From cycle to cycle, through time and through space
Your lives with your longings will ever keep pace
And all that you ask for, and all you desire
Must come at your bidding, as flame out of fire.

ONCE list’ to that Voice and all tumult is done –
Your life is the Life of the Infinite One.
In the hurrying race you are conscious of pause
With love for the purpose, and love for the Cause.

YOU are your own Devil, you are your own God
You fashioned the paths your footsteps have trod.
And no one can save you from Error or Sin
Until you have hark’d to the Spirit within.

Attributed to a Maori

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A Nun’s Prayer
Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from the craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the Devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And give me, Lord, the grace to tell them so.
Amen

From the Dodo Pad www.dodopad.com

Hints on Pronunciation for Foreigners
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead –
For goodness sake don’t call it “deed”!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front , and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive.
I’d mastered it when I was five!

By T S W

This poem was produced by TSW in response to a request from Sir James Pitman for couplets with good rhyming but contra-indication in spelling. If you know who TSW is, please let me know.

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More Examples of our Dreadful Language!
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Author unknown

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A Form of Daily Service for use in all Military Government Departments.
(From the 1st half of the 20th Century)

LET US PRAY,
O Lord grant that this day we come to no decisions,
Neither let us run into any kind of responsibility;
But grant that our doings may be so ordered as
To establish departments for ever and ever.
Amen

THE PRAYER TO BE FOLLOWED BY THE HYMN:-
O Thou who seest all things below
Grant that Thy servants may go slow,
That they may study to comply
With regulations till they die.
Teach us O Lord to reverence
Committees more than commonsense
Impress our minds to make no plan
But pass the baby when we can.
And when the tempter seeks to give
Us feelings of initiative,
Or when we go too far,
Chastise us with a circular.
Mid war and tumult, fire and storms
Confirm us Lord, we pray with forms.
Thus will Thy servants ever be
A flock of perfect sheep for Thee.
Amen

Persian Proverb
He who knows not, that he knows not, is a fool, shun him.
He who knows, that he knows not, is a child, teach him.
He who knows not, that he knows, is asleep, wake him.
He who knows, that he knows, is a wise man, follow him.

Attributed to Omar Khayam, 13th Century philosopher

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A lesson for men
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you...Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

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SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES
Here are 14 actual error messages reportedly seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Perhaps these are better than "Your computer has performed an illegal operation".

The website you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting:Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful, but now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
Having been erased, the document you are seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All short cuts have disappeared.
Screen............Mind...........Both are blank.

Sent to me by a friend, who found it on the internet.

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Diets & Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Sent to me by a friend who found it on the internet.

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An Irish Tale

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 am the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Author unknown

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